Eric Cartman: How 'bout we sing, 'Kyle's Mom is a stupid bitch' in D Minor.
Eric Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I'd be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!
[checks on the kids in her class to see if their parenting skills went well]
Ms. Garrison: Now, how about our gay couples? Stan and Kyle?
Stan: [determined] Fine!
Ms. Garrison: What?
Stan: No problems at all!
Ms. Garrison: [angry] That's impossible!
[she snatches the egg from Stan's hand and looks it over carefully]
Ms. Garrison: Are you sure you didn't break it and switch eggs on me? Where's my signature?
Stan: It's right there, see?
[he leans toward Kyle in fear; Wendy looks away from the action]
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] Two boys can't possibly take care of an egg!
Kyle: Dude, it's totally fine.
Ms. Garrison: [shouts] It isn't fine! It has two daddies! It may be fine on the outside, but inside it's confused and embarrassed! Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies!
[taunts the egg directly]
Ms. Garrison: Two daddies! Two daddies! C'mon, class, let's rip on the freak egg! Two daddies! Two daddies!
Kyle: All animals kill, and the animals that don't kill are stupid ones like cows and turtles and stuff.
Garrison: You go to hell. You go to hell and you die.
Kada je Kennya udario autobus i ostali mislili da je mrtav, ali se on zakačio i odvezao do Mexica, pa ih zove telefonom:
Cartman: Kenny said in hell people speak Spanish and the water there gives you diarrhea.
Cartman: Well God, I guess you got me again, didn't you? Yeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard.
Tweek: But what if I'm trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?
Stan: Tweek, when has that ever happened, except for that one time?
Chef's Father: Dammit, monster, I ain't givin you no treefiddy.
Cartman: Naw dude, independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.
Mrs. Crabtree: [shouting] What did you say?
Stan: I said, "We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch."
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh.
Kyle: Whoa, dude.
Stan: I always wondered if that would work.
Santa Claus: [after gunning down an Iraqi henchman] I couldn't do it. I couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls.
Satan: Saddam. But... I killed you.
Saddam Hussein: Well where was I supposed to go, Detroit?
Sgt. Harrison Yates: Let's give Blackie a welcome home.
[Mr. Jefferson turns around to reveal his face]
Sgt. Harrison Yates: Whoa, wait a m... That guy isn't black! Holy God, his son isn't black either! Oh Jesus!
[Over CB]
Sgt. Harrison Yates: This is Yates, stand down! I repeat, stand down! Suspect is not black!
[to Harris]
Sgt. Harrison Yates: You son of a bitch, you told me this guy was African American!
Det. Harris: It says right here on the filo sheet he is.
Sgt. Harrison Yates: Does that look like a black guy to you?
Det. Harris: It says so on the filo sheet.
Sgt. Harrison Yates: Jesus Christ monkey balls! We could have made an innocent man go to jail who wasn't black.
[Vomits]
Sgt. Harrison Yates: Jesus, Harris, what have we become? We're supposed to protect the people. Where have we lost our way?
Det. Harris: Sir, it's possible he is black, even though he doesn't look it.
Sgt. Harrison Yates: To hell with you! I'm never gonna frame an innocent man again unless I know he's black for sure!
Man #1: [after a crowd tramples Kenny] Oh my God, I found a penny.
Man #2: You bastard.
[Chef bursts in on the Mayor and Officer Barbrady]
Mayor: Why Chef, what a surprise.
Officer Barbrady: You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
Chef: Actually, uh...
Mayor: Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese mafia.
Officer Barbrady: Not a thingy-dingy.
Mr. McCormick: Hey. We don't say "****" at the table, you little asshole.
Mr. Garrison: Don't lie, Stan. Lying makes you sterile.
Mrs. Crabtree: Sit down or the bunny dies!
Stan: Wendy? You didn't?
Wendy: I told her. DON'T
[beep]
Wendy: WITH WENDY TESTABERGER!
Chef: How long until we get to Washington?
Mrs Crabtree: Sit down kid!
Chef: I just want to know how far it is to Washington?
Mrs Crabtree: I SAID SIT DOWN KID!
Chef: I just want to know how far it is to Washington you fat hog.
Mrs Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Chef: I said I wish I could go to Prague.
Mrs Crabtree: So do I.
Jimmy: Knock, knock.
Cartman: Who's there?
Jimmy: Interrupting cow.
Cartman: Interrupting cow wh...
Jimmy: [interrupting] Mooo!
Kyle: Kyle, I told you, all kids in Colorado play hide and seek at the airport.
Stan: Yeah, as soon as we get to the concourse you'll see how much fun it is.
Kyle: This is taking too long. That flight to Connecticut is gonna leave. Hey! Can we speed things up here?
Security Officer George: Duh sorry, but ever since that It thing came out, the airlines have had to cut back on employees.
Kyle: Dude, we're the only ones here. How long does it take to get five people through security?
Security Officer George: Let's see... Five people plus times, divided... Two hours domestic, three hours international.
Kyle's Cousin: Can't we just play hide and seek at home?
Kyle: No!
Security Officer George: Aha! What's this?
[removes toe nail clipper from Kenny's coat]
Security Officer George: A toe nail clipper! Die, terrorist!
[shoots Kenny in the head]
Security Officer George: See, we do these checks for a reason.
Bartender: If a killer put a knife to my throat and said, "Have sex with your father or else I'm gonna kill your while havin' sex with you!" I would have sex with myself.
Mr. Garrison: [in reference to the Declaration of Independence] And who wrote that document? Hmm... let's see... I know, let's ask the new kid, Timmy.
Timmy: Timmy!
Mr. Garrison: No Timmy, it wasn't you
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