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George Carlin

George Carlin
* Religion has actually convinced people … that there's an invisible man … living in the sky … who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do! And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry, forever and ever, 'til the end of time! … But he loves you! … He loves you. He loves you and he needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, all-wise, but somehow – just can't handle money!
o "There Is No God"
* I decided to look around for something else to worship, something I could really count on. And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that: overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning. Several reasons: first of all, I can see the sun, okay? Yeah, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something – I don't know, kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So every day I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need: heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake – an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us. Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word; treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not polite. … You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci.
Thou shalt not kill. Murder. The fifth commandment. But if you think about it … if you think about it, religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. No, more people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. All you have to do … all you have to do is look at slavery, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, the Holocaust, and the World Trade Center, and you'll see how seriously the religious folks take "Thou Shalt Not Kill". The more devout they are … the more devout they are, the more they see murder as negotiable … it's negotiable. It depends, you know? It depends, it depends on who's doing the killing and who's getting killed.
* "Why We Don't Need 10 Commandments"
Millions of dead motherfuckers, all because they gave the wrong answer to the god question. Do you believe in God? No. Boom! Dead. Do you believe in God? Yes. Do you believe in my God? No. Boom! Dead. My god has a bigger dick than your god!
* "Sanctity of Life"