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Umrli Italijan, Nemac i Srbin i dolaze oni pred Sv. Petra.
Pa kako ste umrli, sta se desilo, pita Sv. Petar.
Prvo ce Italijan:
-A kupio sam novi Ferarri i tako malo autocesta, gas, 300 na sat i ****** spizdio se…
Zatim Nemac:
-A ja si kupio novi Porsche, pa isto tako autocesta, gas, kisa, klizavo, 300 na sat i spizdio se….
Onda ce Srbin:
-A ja si kupio novi Audi A8, isti kakav ima i moj komsija…
Da i , pita Sv. Petar:
-Pa kako si umro?
Tek ce Srbin:
-Pa od gladi.
:mrgreen:
 
Upadne miš u puno bure vina i zamoli mačku da ga izvadi, a mačka mu reče:
-Hoću pod uslovom da te pojedem.
Miš će na to:
- Može za jedno pola sata, samo da se osušim.
Prođe pola sata i mačka reče:
- E sad ću da te pojedem, A miš će:
- Ni slučajno. Bio sam pijan, a kad sam pijan samo gluposti govorim.
 
Kuca plavusa po banderi,kad naidje policajac i pita je:
-Sto kucas tu?
plavusa ce:
- pa pise da izdaje stan,a ne otvara niko!
policajac ce:
- pa cudi me bas,a i svetlo im gori..
 
Nekad se, bre, znao red

Srbi su uvek vodili politiku
Šiptari pravili bakljave
a mi, Cigani, krali…

A sad

Srbi kradu
Šiptari vode politiku
A mi, Cigani, ne znamo da pravimo bakljave...
sad2.gif
 
Pacijent: Doktore doktore suzi mi oko. :(
...i doktor mu suzi oko.

Sastali se pedofil, nekrofil,zoofil,mazohista,piroman,gej i sadista i krenuše da diskutuju.
Zoofil: eh da je tu sad jedna mačka...
*****: eeehh..još da je muško...
Pedofil: pa još maloletna! gde bi nam bio kraj...
Sadista: pa da mi nju lepo pretučemo...
Piroman: pa zapalimo! ehhh....
..na sve to će mazohista: mjauuuuuuu....

Sastala se 3 slepa miša i dogovore se da se takmiče koji će više da pobije ljudi.
Ode prvi mis u jedan grad...vraca se sav u krvi govoreci: Braco, jel vidite ono selo u daljini? -Da, kako ne...odgovaraju ostali misevi...-E, tamo vise nema nijednog čoveka.
Za njim ode i treći i vraća se sav u krvi i rece: Jel vidite onaj grad veliki? Da, da.-miševi odgovaraju. -E, pa njega sam ja opustio, nema ljudi tamo više.
Ode treći miš i vraća se sav u krvi i reče: Vidite li onu banderu? -Aha..odgovaraju slepi miševi..-E, jbga ja je nisam video.
 
Šeta Mujo čaršijom i ugleda čovjeka koji prodaje naočale. Mujo se zaustavi i gleda sunčane naočale, a prodavač ga upita:

- Jeste li za jedne stvarno posebne naočale?

Mujo ga pogleda i odgovori:

- Daj da vidim kakve su.

Prodavač mu namigne i pruži naočale. Mujo ih stavi i ugleda sve ljude oko sebe gole. Veselo pogleda prodavača i reče.

- Uzimam!

Krene Mujo kući i putem se smije kao blesav gledajući gole ljude, uleti u kuću i odmah s vrata zavika:

- Fato, bona, vidi što sam kupio!

Pogleda on u dnevnu sobu, kad tamo Fata i susjed Haso na trosjedu sjede goli.
Mujo skine naočale da ih pokaže Fati, kad ono Fata i Haso i dalje goli! Mujo ponovno stavi naočale, pogleda ih gole, skine ih, ovi i dalje sjede goli!

Mujo se ljutito okrene na peti i izađe van iz kuće gunđajući:

- Već se pokvarilo jeftino *****, sad moram ići zamijeniti za druge ....
 
Spava Mujo i sanja Pamelu Anderson kako sa njim leži na plaži. Mujo nju pita:
• Bil’ mi dala?
Pamela:
• Može, ali pod uslovom da pojedeš *****!
Mujo pristane í pojede! I Pamela se, kao što je i obećala, skine i legne. Mujo taman da ju počne, kad Fata ga probudi da ide na posao. Mujo ljut k’o pas opali Fati šamar i kaže:
• Mater ti je.em, što me nis’ probud’la kad sam govna jeo.....
 
Some provincial man has come to Rome, and walking on the streets was drawing everyone's attention, being a real double of the emperor Augustus. The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks:
-Tell me, young man, did your mother come to Rome anytime?
The reply was:
-She never has. But my father frequently was here. :)
 
A man, standing before a censor, is about to testify, whether he has a wife. The censor asks:
-Do you have, in all your honesty, a wife?
-I surely do, but not in all my honesty.
 
A runner going to participate in the Olympic games had a dream, that he was driving a quadriga. Early in the morning he goes to a fortune-teller for explanation of the dream. The reply is:
-You will win, that meant the speed and the strength of the horses.
But, to be sure about this, the runner visits another fortune-teller. This one replies:
-You will lose. Don't you understand, that four ones came before you?
 
Q: How many Vestal Virgins does it take to light an oil-lamp?
A: Six. Two to supervise, two to light, two to watch and learn.

Q: How many Pompeians does it take to light an oil-lamp?
A: None, the results could be explosive!

Q: How many philosophers does it take to light an oil-lamp?
A: Hmmm... now that's an interesting question, isn't it ?

Q: How many gladiators does it take to light an oil-lamp?
A: None. Gladiators aren't afraid of the dark.

Q: How many Stoics does it take to light an oil-lamp?
A: None. 'I'll just sit in the dark.'

Q: How many pessimists does it take to light an oil-lamp?
A: None, it's a waste of time because the new one will burn down soon enough anyway.

Q: How many optimists does it take to light an oil-lamp?
A: None, the sun will be rising soon and it will be a bright new day!!

Q: How many late republican senators does it take to light an oil lamp?
A: Twenty-three, but they all have to strike together.

Q: How many duoviri does it take to light an oil-lamp?
A: Two of course.

Q: How many road-building Roman Legionaries does it take to light an oil-lamp?
A: Five, one to light the lamp and four to lean on their shovels and watch the first one.

Q: How many scholars does it take to light an oil-lamp?
A: None. That's what scribes are for.

Q: How many actors does it take to light an oil-lamp?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the lamp-light.

Q: How many poets does it take to light an oil-lamp?
A: A myriad of lyre-plucking singers stretching from the shining shores of Troy to Romulus's fair city.

Q: How many drummers does it take to light an oil-lamp?
A: One. Two. A one-two-three-four!

Q: Do you know how many lyre-players it takes to light an oil-lamp?
A: No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.

Q: How many Ostian magistrates does it take to light an oil-lamp?
A: Fifty, one to light the lamp and 49 to carry out a fact finding mission to Rome to see how they light oil-lamps there.

Q: How many patrons does it take to light an oil-lamp?
A: None: he would have one of his clients do it for him, of course.

Q: How many Jewish doctors does it take to light an oil-lamp?
A: One, but he has to relax with a cup of mint tea afterwards. (You'll have to read 'The Thieves of Ostia' to understand that one!)
 
A rude astrologer cast a sick boy's horoscope. After promising the mother that the child had many years ahead of him, he demanded payment. When she said, "Come tomorrow and I'll pay you," he objected: "But what if the boy dies during the night and I lose my fee?"
 
A misogynist was sick, at death's door. When his wife said to him, "If anything bad happens to you, I'll hang myself," he looked up at her and said: "Do me the favor while I'm still alive:mrgreen:
 
The lady of a house had a simple-minded slave. But when she got a peek at just how thick his other head was also, she lusted after him. She put a mask over her face so that he wouldn't recognize her, and played around with him. Joining her game, he had sex with her. Then, grinning as he usually did, he reported to his master: "Sir, sir, I fucked the dancer and the mistress was inside!
:lol:
 
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