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Each man gives a story
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
 
Pick Heaven or Hell
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good- bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and Filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."
 
Krenule dve plavuše kamionom na put. Voze se one tako i naiđu na tunel. Ispred tunela vide da je njegova visina 240 cm. Kamion u kojem su one visok je 260 cm. Kaže jedna:
* Jaoj, a šta ćemo sada?
* Je l’ vidiš negde policiju? – upita druga.
* Ne – odgovori prva zbunjeno.
* Pa vozi onda, glupačo!

:hahaha::rotf::hahaha::rotf::hahaha::rotf:
 
Dode fata muji u bolnicu i kaže: e mujo da znaš šta mi se desija na put. Uzela ja taksi i krenem prema tebi i ubrzo se ja sitim da sam zaboravila novcanik i kažem taksisi da se vrati, a on posoji na nekom puteljku i kaže:možemo mi to riješit i na drugi nacin.il ceš mi pjevat il cu te jebat do kraja. pita mujo: i šta si mu otpjevala? fata:mujo,pa zar je meni do pjevanja kad si ti u bolnici!
 
Dode fata muji u bolnicu i kaže: e mujo da znaš šta mi se desija na put. Uzela ja taksi i krenem prema tebi i ubrzo se ja sitim da sam zaboravila novcanik i kažem taksisi da se vrati, a on posoji na nekom puteljku i kaže:možemo mi to riješit i na drugi nacin.il ceš mi pjevat il cu te jebat do kraja. pita mujo: i šta si mu otpjevala? fata:mujo,pa zar je meni do pjevanja kad si ti u bolnici!
:zcepanje:
 
Pita Fata Muju:

- Mujo, sta je to situacija?

- Recimo, ti kazes da ides na nedelju dana kod majke, a vratis se
kroz
tri dana i zateknes mene sa drugom zenskom u krevetu - to ti je
situacija.

- To je, znači, isto kao kad bi ti rekao da ides na pecanje na ceo
dan, a vratis se kroz nekoliko sati i zateknes mene i Hasu u
krevetu?

- Ne, Fato, nemoj da mesas situaciju sa batinama.
 
Dosao Mujo kod rodjaka u Nemacku da farba linije na putu.
Prvog dana ofarba on 1 km, drugog dana pola, a treceg dana samo 200 m. Pita ga sef: "Pa sta je ovo, svakog dana sve manje i manje?"
Mujo: "Pa znas li ti gde mi je sad kantica!"
 
Došao Perica na ispit i izvlači pitanja. Prvo ne zna, drugo ne zna, treće ne zna. Profesor mu upiše u indeks "majmun". Perica vidi šta je ovaj napisao i kaže:

* Profesore, ovde je samo potpis, nema ocene...
 
Za vreme doručka pita Perica oca:

* Tata, šta je to politika?

* Sada će sine tebi tata da objasni. Vidiš ovako, ja idem na posao i zarađujem novac, dakle ja sam kapitalista. Mama raspolaže tim novcem, ona je vlada, kućna pomoćnica koja radi po kući je radnička klasa, deda sve posmatra po strani šta se dešava u kući, on je sindikat. Mi svi volimo da tebi bude dobro, ti si naš narod, a tvoj mali bratić je naša budućnost. Jesi li razumeo?

* Nisam, tata, baš najbolje ali neka malo razmislim pa ću ti reći sutra.

Preko noći se mali bratić probudio i usrao do guše i Perica se probudio, otišao u sobu kod majke ona čvrsto spava, u sobu kod kućne pomoćnice, kad tamo tata na njoj, deda je potpuno nezainteresovan i on se vrati u krevet i nastavi da spava. Ujutru pita otac sina:

* Perice da li si razmislio šta je politika?

* Jesam, tata, to ti je dok kapitalisti jebu radničku klasu, vlada čvrsto spava, sindikat je nezainteresovan, na narod niko ne obraća pažnju, a budućnost nam je u govnima.
 
Срели Перицу његови другови и упиташе га:

* Перице, зашто јуче ниси дошао да играмо фудбал? Због твог одсуства смо изгубили утакмицу.

* Играо сам се са комшиницом у њеном подруму. Не знам како се игра зове, само могу да вам кажем да на мене више не рачунате за фудбал и било коју другу игру.
 
Pita učiteljica maloga Pericu:
- Tri ptice sjede na grani! Ako upucaš jednu, koliko ih je ostalo?
- Nijedna, ostale se uplaše pucnja i odlete, kaže Perica.
- Nije točno. Ostaju dvije, ali sviđa mi se način na koji
razmišljaš.

Perica sad želi uzvratiti pa pita učiteljicu:
- A recite vi meni ovo!
Tri cure idu ulicom i svaka ima sladoled.
Jedna ga liže, druga gricka, a treća ga uvlači u usta.

Koja od njih je udata?
Učiteljica, crveneći se odgovori:
- Pa vjerojatno ona što ga uvlači u usta.
Perica će na to:
- Nije, već ona što ima prsten, ali sviđa mi se način na koji
razmišljate!
 
Perica otišao sa majkom na spiritističku seansu. Mag izabere baš dečaka da pokaže svima kako sve to izgleda. Dovede ga na pozornicu, pa ga pita:
• Sa kim bi želeo da razgovaraš?
• Sa mojim dekom.
Uskoro mag upada u trans i začuje se sablašni glas:
• Perice, deka ti se javlja s neba! Šta bi želeo da čuješ, mali moj?
• Ćao deko. Kaži mi koji ***** radiš na nebu, kad si malopre bio kod kuće?
 
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