Congratulations! You have just purchased the Spiffy Voom FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP! It not only allows you to send and receive faxes, it will take voice messages on the internal answering machine, make color photocopies of important documents like this manual, grill hot dogs, fry eggs, dry your hair, replace your alarm clock, and attend school or work on your behalf!
Some of the options (hot dog grilling and egg frying) require the Spiffy Voom CSPU20027-1 interface available for a modest fee of slightly less than the national debt.
How to work the SPIFFY VOOM FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP:
Plug it in. If it doesn't work, then you're obviously doing something wrong. Remove the plug from the outlet in your left ear and try plugging it into a wall socket while holding your other hand in a bowl of water. If several zillion volts of electricity course through your body, then the equipment is working satisfactorily.
Turn it on. A red LED display will appear by the button that says "Answer." If the red LED display does not appear, we probably sold you a defective product but there's not much point in trying to return it since we'll simply ignore you until the warranty expires or Hell freezes over - whichever comes first.
Hit the button that says "Fax." This will enable you to send faxes if the red LED display is on. If the red LED display is not on, pressing the "Fax" button will probably cause the machine to explode and kill you.
Programming numbers into your machine is accomplished by calling our customer service department who will explain it much better than a goon who's writing a manual about a product he understands nothing about.
WARRANTY:
The SPIFFY VOOM FAX 2001 MODEL 501SP is guaranteed to work for as long as the box remains sealed. Under no circumstances should you open the box but if you do, KEEP THIS PRODUCT AWAY FROM ELECTRICITY AT ALL TIMES.
