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TRANSLATING THE MALE LANGUAGE
"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, therefore I'm completely clueless."
"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"It would take too long to explain," REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard," REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, and the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned...but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."
"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on anything else...I'm starving."
"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."
"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."