You know you’re *Orthodox if …
1. On Wednesdays and Fridays you eat Japanese food.
2. You are more comfortable standing in church than sitting.
3. You can suck/vacuum up the crumbs of bread out of your hand without coughing.
4. You can sing an ison to any song (and you know what an ison is… LOL).
5. Lent to you means peanut butter, tofu, soy, lots and lots of pita bread and hummus, and services at least five times a week.
6. You’re used to skipping breakfast on Sundays.
7. You’ve learned to stretch your legs during church without drawing attention to yourself.
8. You wonder why the Pope crosses himself backwards when you see him on TV.
9. You wear comfortable shoes to church, because you know you’ll be standing a long, long time.
10. To you, a ‘topless’ gal is one without a headscarf.
11. You took down the little green pine tree air freshner in your truck in lieu of burning myrrh.
12. You spend time figuring out the best way to remove smoke stains from your ceiling and wax from your walls.
13. Before you pray, you say a prayer.
14. You don’t flinch when someone throws water at you.
15. When you first tell people who ask what religion you are, at first they think you’re Jewish. Oy!
16. The service routinely starts at least 15 minutes late and lasts 2 ½ hours — and nobody around you complains.
17. You consider any service two hours or under short/regular.
18. You know that when the priest says, “Let us complete our prayer to the Lord”, there’s still half an hour to go.
19. At the end of Holy Week, you have rug burns on your forehead.
20. Your Easter isn’t Easter without an all-night party (featuring 10 dishes of sausage with cheese).
21. Your priest is married.
22. You say everything 3 times out of habit.
23. You can differentiate between the eight different chanting tones.
24. You typically celebrate a feast day by observing strict fasting.
25. You celebrate feast days the night before.
26. You address the City as Constantinople instead of Istanbul.
27. You can say “Lord have mercy” 40 times without making a mistake.
28. You can say “Christ Is Risen”/”Indeed He Is Risen” in at least three languages.
29. You have tournaments of red-egg-cracking on Pascha… And you usually know who’s being a wise-guy with the wooden one.
30. You have multiple priests’ numbers in your cell phone.
31. You sing folk songs in Tone 7 and they still make sense.
32. When your priest comes to bless the house you also ask him to bless the barn, hay loft, chicken coop, dog houses, cow pasture, pig pen, dairy barn, tool yard and the...
33. You’ve grown accustomed to the taste of wine because you’ve had it since you were a baby.
34. You can automatically subtract 13 days from today’s date.
35. You’ve been or plan on going to Jerusalem, or Mount Athos, or Constantinople, or...
36. You could write a book on the symbolism in an Orthodox wedding… during the wedding… because they are just that long.
37. When you go to the movies, you and your spouse sit on different sides of the theatre (and you both feel uncomfortable sitting down in public).
38. You would like to think up two more of these just so that the list would come out to a good Orthodox number like 40.
*Orthodox Christians: Until recently, most scholars agreed that Orthodox Christians didn’t really exist. Like werewolves, fairies and Romanians, they were simply a charming Old World fable designed to delight children with outlandish details regarding the rich, luxurious beards and interminable arguments about the proper interpretation of Greek words. Upon further reflection, some scholars now cautiously hazard the guess that there are roughly 250 million Orthodox Christians in the world, with a lineage stretching back to the earliest days of the Church. As for what these strange, chanting, hirsute folk actually believe, though, no one is yet confident enough to hazard a guess.