FAREWELL AND RELIEF
FAREWELL AND RELIEF
As the snow gently paints nature white, I am frozen to the core. The cold, white silence seems to invite me in… I have not had a good night’s sleep since you left. I have cried myself to sleep every night. I have lost interest in absolutely everything.
It is painful to be alive, it is like a job I am doing against my will. All I need is my big sleep. We have touched for the last time. You are long gone, in love with someone else. I now fear nothing but life itself. And I have learned that living is just a slow way to die. I do not believe in life, or in love anymore.
My heart wants to believe that there is true love somewhere, but all my experience tells me otherwise. I envy those who think life is worth living. I myself, feel nothing but resignation. The joy I feel are joys of the emptiness. I hate my self for loving you. But no one but me can be blamed for my actions. Anxiety will not let go of me. I can no longer see any other way out. I have to get rid of these unbearable feelings. They have been with me for too long now. It is up to me. I’m not afraid to die. I am afraid to live. I am afraid of being afraid. What I fear the most is a life in loneliness, and this feeling will not let go. I know I am not alone, but every night this feeling sneaks into my mind. The fear I feel night after night has developed into a disease. No one can see the emptyness in my eyes. To escape life itself now seems the only solution. With relief I look forward to letting go of the pain. Finally there is peace in my soul. To lie dead without a concern. Without a tear. You own my heart, and life withiut you is so immensely painful. Just to think of you, talk about you, dream of you, makes tears stream down my face. I cannot imagine happiness without your beautiful smile, your angelic face, your wonderful body and your good heart. You are everything, I am nothing. I want to die but really, I am already dead.
Never again will I be someone’s mortally beloved. Finally I have realized that you did not love me the way I wanted. I would be wrong to force a love that does not exist. You are truly a good person, and I hope you will have a good life. I thank you for everything. We have shared joys and sorrows, we have laughed and cried together. I have been lucky. Thank you for leaving, I now see the darkness so much clearer. Wherever you are, whomever you are with, you are always in my dreams. In heaven where we belong together. This is the end. I am going. I am leaving now. Good-bye